3 MINDSET HABITS that kept me MISERABLE and UNSUCCESSFUL

Too many of you all are living a life, that is NOT yours. It’s someone else’s creation/idea of who you should be. So you went to Law School. You went to Business School. You didn’t pursue your art, your sport, you love, your writing… because, someone else told you it was “childish.”

I am guilty of it too. Guilty? Or a victim? Or both?

But, that doesn’t mean things can’t change for you today.

These were the 3 MAJOR life changing habits I did, literally transformed me into a whole new person. My anxiety at an all-time high pretty much disappeared when I did all these things. Giving me the opportunity then to chase after my dreams.

Changing these 3 things about myself helped me 10x to:

Become the equestrian rider/entrepreneur I’ve dreamed of becoming,

Overcome INSANE AMOUNTS OF internal negative self-talk (this ran deep with years and years of practice), and

Helped me live a more inspiring life.

. . .

In the past few years of my life, I’ve gone through some major transformations.

For example, I went from riding school horses to owning a dream horse, riding on the ‘A’ circuit, and attending clinics on my horse with Anne Krusinski, Chris Kappler, and Jeff Cook; to currently having 5 * GP riders, elite horse trainers, and talented junior riders and amazing entrepreneurs as my clients.

I quit my career as a psychologist and built my business using my techniques, so that I could be proud of what I do and can prioritize my dreams (traveling the world, horse showing, and having a successful business).

I’ve had to kick some pretty gnarly addictions including: my negative self-talk, toxic relationships, and deep seated fear of change.

Recently I unlocked the one thing that has kept me from pursuing my dreams for most of my life. Which is insanity, since I spent most of my 20’s pursuing a doctorate degree in Clinical Psychology. You’d think I’d have the keys to mindset success from all that time studying the brain.

Unfortunately, most of my studies related to how to identify and heal disorders. The focus was not on how to optimize performance and help people become truly successful.

THOSE ARE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.

I’m still a work in progress. And will always be.

But, I want to share the 3 things that have helped me make the shift into optimizing myself.

1. TAKING FULL OWNERSHIP FOR MY DREAMS

I grew up in a home that valued education above all else. Because my parents believed education would bring success, opportunity, and money. It was a sign of the times, they grew up in and what they wanted to impart on me. But, what was missed in their motivations, were inherent talents and the trust that talents were gifts to success as well, if not more.

Sometimes wonder, if I had just been given permission to explore those “inherent talents;” who I would be today?

In first grade, it became very clear that I had a serious learning disability. There was so much pressure to obtain “services” and “tutoring” throughout my educational life, so that I could “keep-up” and achieve A’s & B’s to get into the best college. With that time and effort exerted on trying to overcome my disability, sometimes I wonder if my other “more natural” skills like art and sport would have excelled and totally taken me in a different direction. And would I have been successful, if not more successful?

I am grateful. But, at the same time I have to wonder were all those tears necessary?! And although my parents thought education would determine my worth… I’ve realized even with the big “Dr.” in front of my name, that it does not.

Yes, the Dr. has it’s merits. That’s not what I am saying. I am saying that the opportunities of success are ENORMOUS.

I learned a lot in my educational experience. But, what I didn’t learn was how to take responsibility for MY dreams. After a certain age, MY dreams only but vanished into the “those are childhoods nonsenses.”

Aka, not worthy of pursuing.

People love to discredit other people’s dreams.

They intentionally seek out arbitrary reasons to justify why dreams can’t be pursued.

This gives the person “permission” to not pursue their own dreams too.

It’s a mess.

You’ve heard me say it before and I’ll say it again, when we give our power away to other people, we become victims of the situation. If this is you- you have to read the book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson.

Ultimately, you have to realize that you can walk around people when they are blocking your way.

So, the first step for me was taking responsibility for everything I didn’t like about my life: And take radical responsibility for my dreams.

That was such a huge mindset shift… because it make me REALLY DEEPLY look at myself. THIS person was unfamiliar to me because I was used to being ANOTHER person for so long.

Isn’t that crazy?! I knew the person that wasn’t pursuing my HEART dreams better than the REAL ME PURSUING MY HEART DREAMS.

2. BOUNDARIES ARE JUST FANCY PSYCHOBABBLE. DO THIS IS INSTEAD!

People struggle all the time with establishing boundaries. What does that even mean? And what boundaries are you going to draw in the imaginary sand?

Everyone preaches: Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Even the word, just “eh” gets to me. It’s another shiny psychobabble gimmick that everyone has attached themselves to but doesn’t fully understand. So let me help gain some clarity.

Let’s start with a question for you first: “When you say the word, BOUNDARIES, how do you feel?”

It’s not a word that feels light or expansive. It feels heavy, restrictive, and like it requires a LOT of work.

So, if a word creates that negative sensation in you, why then are we all being told it’s a cure to our relationship woes or unhappiness?

I’ve asked that question and few have given me (in my humble opinion) an effective response. The response is: Change is hard.

Well — — let me tell you!! Change is hard if you HAVE that perspective. It doesn’t have to be. But that is the language, the storyline we are all fed since we were BABIES.

Once, I understood that. Change felt enlightened, softer, welcoming, inviting, and just fun. It took me awhile though to break through some cognitive walls, to even consider the idea that change could be FUN. I got the idea by studying elite athletes and also super successful entrepreneurs. It was a light bulb moment… that led to studying and seeing if my idea actually had merit.

Wouldn’t you believe it!? It did.

So… out with the boundaries and in with this idea of being “SELECTIVE.”

Just the word SELECTIVE feels different already. Right? Feels like there is more room. Room for innovation, for choices, for ideas, for… so many things.

With the idea of BOUNDARIES, the act/decision/choice/idea has to be processed through a lens of judgement, either good or bad. Those are 2 ideas on opposite ends of a spectrum. With BEING SELECTIVE, you must tune into what feels good… the decision you ultimately choose has nothing to do with, “socially acceptable ideas of what is good or bad,” it has to do with movement towards a direction. And that direction either makes you feel better, or it doesn’t. It’s all information, that’ll help you formulate more decisions in your life.

Once I figured this out… you know what happened? I left a career that was literally making me physically ill. I had adrenal fatigue, to massive migraines, to getting the flu all the time, and more. And I thought it was going to be harder than it was. I mean I did devote years of my life to becoming a psychologist.. And here I was leaving the field. It was harder for others around me to swallow, who didn’t understand what I was going through.

But, the decision felt right. And even when I second guessed myself, I saw choices I could select from which always made me feel better about my decision. With this new way of thinking, other people’s thoughts became less pertinent to my well-being/life.

In being SELECTIVE, I started spending time building a life/friendships that fuel me. BOUNDARIES close off the ability to create. Change isn’t as hard as it used to be, because my focus is on creating an experience and not an outcome.

Way more powerful to be SELECTIVE.

3. ENVY: YOU NEED TO GET OVER THIS

The last thing I had to work on to get out of my own way, was my envy for others. Sometimes, it was just a small little “jab” and other times, I’d be so envious that I would “criticize” every part of them. Either way… it was unhealthy.

But, let’s do a quick history lesson before I tell you how to change this and why it’s incredibly important to navigate.

In school, we are graded from A to F for “quality” of work. At the core of the way our schooling system is structured, we learn to compare and compete against one another. If a student obtains an A, that is in comparison to other students in THAT class.

School does not teach us to learn to connect with our very essences (our inherent talents). So, instead we learn to turn our hearts off and learn to become the, “the nerd, the jock, the mean girl, the nice girl, this or that… paddy wack.”

As parts of us start turning off (things that are uniquely us), we learn to turn on other qualities that society has deemed special or important. And so then, we begin competing (unconsciously) for that position, for the perceived rewards.

If we were to truly turn on our essences we would light up our lives, our paths, and consequently I think we would have less psychopathology or illness.

“True human capabilities will not find expression in competition. When you are in a race with someone, you only think of going one step ahead of him. You will not think of what your ultimate potential is.” Beautiful words by Sadhguru.

If envy can be learned, it can be unlearned.

When I feel envy, I know that I am not in my greatness, because I am overly concerned with the other person. My focus is misguided.

Parents even show this quality. They get super obsessed with their kid’s performance and forget the bigger picture: that sports are for fun. And then the parents become envious of the other kids in the league or barn… and instead of applauding everyone, they only applaud their child. The kids know it. They tell me. Even the kids who’s parents are competitive out of envy, know it. And they out of everyone, like it the least.

All these things made me miserable. I honestly, I still struggle with all these things, but it’s NOTHING like it used to be. And I can quickly switch perspectives when I revert back, unlike before. What used to take me days, can take me a few minutes now. If you are interested in learning more about SUCCESS and you have a desire to know what are the MOST important SUCCESS tips, you MUST read this.

If anything, my greatest struggle NOW ironically is slowing down my curiosity for growth and wanting to experience more and more. I’ve become more intentional about my life.

Let’s chat! What do resonates with you?! What doesn’t? Did this spark ideas in you?

Let me know in the COMMENTS!